10 Reasons Why You Should Be Jealous of Your Newborn

If you’re a new mom, you have probably been through the wringer! And you deserve a big hug! (But let’s make that an air hug because your boobs probably hurt so much that a real one is no bueno.)

You have just defied some scientific law by forcing a larger object (aka baby’s head) through a smaller object (aka the land down unda). Or you’ve had your stomach cut open to remove said large object. Either way, it’s a pretty amazing feat. All of that trauma has left you a little on the tender side.

But all is well because you just produced a glorious newborn baby, am I right?! He/she is perfect in every way! Well. . . because you’re feeling less-than-perfect in every way. . . here is a little side-by-side comparison for why you should be jealous of your newborn babe right about now.


10 New Baby vs. New Mom Realities

  1. New baby smell is amazing. New mom smell. . . not so great. Your daily shower is a distant memory, and you’re slapping deodorant over 3-day-old deodorant. Do you catch my drift? (Bam! Pun intended.)
  2. New baby gets multiple outfit changes a day. New mom is lucky to change into a different pair of sweatpants after a week. Mom, meet your new best friend, Sweatpants. Sweatpants, meet Mom.
  3. New baby is encouraged to gain weight. New mom is struggling to lose the prego pounds. Nuff said.
  4. New baby has enforced nap times. New mom = what is this thing called sleep?
  5. New baby gets to fart and burp and everyone thinks it’s cute. New mom has a lifetime supply that’s demanding to be set free, but it’s definitely not cute. I repeat, not cute. Over ‘n out.
  6. New baby cries are normal and expected. New mom cries are embarrassing and uncontrollable. (Postpartum reason #526 to become a hermit.)
  7. New baby’s skin is super soft and is as smooth as a –fill in the blank–. New mom’s skin is super dry since she started offering 24/7 milk on tap.
  8. New baby’s hair is totes adorbs (do people still say this?). New mom’s hair is falling out. Like it’s covering-the-entire-shower-wall kind of falling out.
  9. New baby gets to poop whenever and wherever it wants. New mom probably can’t poop. (It’s a lovely phenomenon called “constipation,” deriving from the latin word “constipare” meaning “crowd together.”)
  10. New baby looks SO cute in every single picture you’ve taken. And you’ve taken like a kagillion pics. New mom feels even worse than she looks. And she probably doesn’t look great, so yeah.

There you go. Ten reasons why you should be jealous of your newborn baby. (If you weren’t feeling validated enough after reading this, check out our friend Chelsea’s post on Things That Happen to Your Body After Pregnancy.)

But don’t stress. (Even though you won’t listen to me and will stress anyway because that’s what we women do.) You’ll slowly get “normal” again. In the meantime, go kiss those soft cheeks and stare at those little lips and squeeze that sweet bundle. And give yourself a freakin’ pat on the back because you made that beautiful, tiny, perfect creature! Well done and welcome to mommyhood!

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